Is there anywhere in your life you feel resistant to say “no”? Is there any time you have observed yourself struggling to say no. Meditate on this question for a moment. Explore your mind and observe some of the ways you are showing up in life. See the thing is No for me sometimes felt too harsh, or too.. something. I made excuses and settled into fear which left me feeling drained.
No will literally set a specific course of direction with your time and energy. I definitely think you should have a say in where your time and energy goes. In fact, it’s crazy to think you shouldn’t be saying no in some aspects of your life. When you say no, you do shut the door on some possibilities… but as uncomfortable as this can feel when it involves someone else ask yourself is that really the direction you wanted the energy of your life channeled in.
When you think of the universe as an energy of constant creation coming to interact with you; as you use your no you channel that energy more towards a single point. This is where what you are channeling it towards becomes filled with more energy.
Your no channels resources to your YES’s. When you say no, you make your YES more potent. You begin to feed what you truly want. You stop letting something you half want and half don’t want linger around you. When it’s a full-body yes it doesn’t linger, you welcome it and it becomes right at home. What is a full-body yes? Well, this is one of the best pieces of information a friend of mine taught me.
Think of a time you said yes but didn’t quite feel it. You may have found tension or reluctancy in your heart or a constriction in your stomach. A full-body yes is exactly as it sounds, a yes that every part of you agrees with. Obviously it’s the kind of answer most of us (at least me) wish to always have, but in order to start manifesting what you say YEEESSS to, they require the uncomfortable (but doesn’t have to be) NO.
How To Get Comfortable With No
Maybe it won’t be something I’ll ever get comfortable with, but its something that benefits me deeply. It’s something that also keeps me in integrity with others. It stops me from giving people my half-assed attention which happens when I don’t voice my No.
I know that for me it also is what leads me towards creating a life where my time is spent on what actually is in alignment with me. I know that comes from valuing my time as well as my truth. These aspects are what have helped me start becoming acquainted with saying no.
Take Your Pleasure Seriously
If you put up with something that doesn’t make you feel good, you aren’t taking your pleasure seriously. Its an embodiment of radical and passionate self love to say no to what doesn’t serve you. You let go of needing to validate yourself to others and simply value your gut feelings as enough.
When you spend time a.k.a energy on something that isn’t a full yes from you, then you are taking energy from the places you truly want to give it to. Think of every time you say no to something that isn’t for you as you saying yes to what is. This can even equate to the impact you want to make on the world which you do much better as the you who has boundaries on their precious time and energy.
When you give yourself space to say no because you take your pleasure seriously you give others a chance to as well. This means those in your life will show up just as passionate and sure of connecting with you as you are with them. This means those you work on projects with or build relationships with can come with more energy and more liveliness.
There are plenty of reasons why you may feel uncomfortable saying no, but here are the ones I’m going to highlight:
1.A fear of not being liked
2.Fear of closing opportunities
On the topic of not being liked, researchers have found there are more reactions than simply fight or flight when the sympathetic nervous systems triggered. It was shown that women demonstrated this tendency (more often than men) called fawning. The essence is befriending the enemy as a method of survival. See we are social creatures and back in the days of the wild not being liked often equated to death.
Can you imagine the intergenerational beliefs passed down from securing your life by assuring you were liked? Now, this is something to consider. Your body may have its own biological reactions occurring in it from years of adaptation when you fear saying no and ruffling feathers. Recognizing this tendency and acknowledging that biologically you may be deeply shifting patterns can bring in some compassion and understanding on why saying no can sometimes feel so hard.
What I want to say to both instances here is when it’s a full-body yes, it will support everyone. Meaning if you step into what feels like a YES YES YES to you and another person is repelled by that, simply you are entering a death of energy lingering around you that doesn’t match you at your fullest. Part of the reason why I found this uncomfortable is imposter syndrome.
I wondered do I really want my truth if it repels (insert specific person) or brings me through a scenario where I am disliked before I get the delayed unconditional love. Who am I to trust my gut telling me no? Who am I to only choose things that feel right to me? But who are you not to? You are a creator and this is one of the gifts of no. It gives a quick end to what could be a lingering and slowly moving death.
Not literal of course. Think of when someone has an idea and you are a potential match for them. Whether a friendship or business relationship when your whole heart isn’t in it you aren’t giving the project the care it deserves. You hold onto a yes when a no could give that person the closure/death they need to truly succeed and find their yes.
Now back to my first point, your full-body yes is magnetic. It attracts everything that is an energetic match to your fullest expression. A half yes lets the rivers of creative potential run in all different directions. This means your full-body yes doesn’t have as much of that river’s nourishment to support it. When you have hundreds of doors open you spread your energy all over, but when you direct it, channel it, filter it you support the YES’s of your heart.
Distance Yourself From Your Thoughts
Now, this practice is what helps not get caught up in fear or imposter syndrome at the moment. It’s also what can help make motivating yourself easier because you can have hindsight here. You can see the route of delayed comfortability in this case will produce a longer and deeper comfortability in the future. Meaning staying in an uncomfortable or not entirely enjoyable situation may be comfortable now, but there is so much more pleasure that comes from speaking your truth.
So how do you do it? Meditation and observing your emotions. Observing them without needing to change them or label them right or wrong. Stepping into observing your emotions and sensations as the person watching them brings you a step out of the intense identification that comes from thinking I feel nervous rather than I am observing there is nervousness in my body.
Know That It Get’s Easier
Just knowing that it gets easier can make feeling courageous and dedicating yourself to your true passions much easier. Now, are you ready for the facts on why this gets easier? It’s in the way that habit formation happens because it does become an autopilot habit to be people-pleasing or simply say yes when it’s not a full yes.
Tom Bartow researches habit formation which opened my eyes to feel more capable in moments that challenged me way outside my comfort zone. I found a stronger belief in my own capability to change my habits. The key here is understanding when you are forming a new habit you will enter what he calls the “Fight Thru” phase. This is where you have to commit to the habit you want to form.
It is where you will find habitual tendencies and strong cravings try to pull you the other direction. The key to breaking the pattern that you want to break is in a couple steps. Recognition is your hidden weapon in winning this “fight thru”. They do say knowledge is power right? According to his research, you will need to win 2 or 3 fights before you can enter the next phase in habit formation.
There are more hidden weapons you can use to bring to each of your “fight thrus”. Next is hindsight. Ask yourself how you will feel if you stay committed to embodying the change you have been wishing to see and how you will feel if you don’t.
Motivate yourself out of pleasure. All the good feelings that come with the change you are shifting into, use that to motivate yourself. Then have one more hidden weapon. How will this impact your future? What will your future be like a year from now or 10 years from now depending on the decision you make today. That’s it the magical ingredient I found. It’s like you have to set course for the new version of you that you have to embody… and you have to keep resetting it until it sticks!
What are your experiences with saying no?
What has helped you when you felt trapped by uncertainty? What have you learned from speaking your heart even when it was difficult? What are your tips and advice? Comment below ♡